correlations

when i look back at my first three and a half years of college, i realize the enormity of the number of hours I have sat up half the night talking to friends. for some reason most of these chats have been with guys above a five out of ten on the Batshit Scale.

most of my friends are not male. most of my friends...well, some of them, are not batshit.

more on this later, probably.

I don't know who I want to be.

I know that I don't have to know right now. but a little direction would be nice.

end of whining for tonight, I swear.

Dear parents,

No. Stop it stop it stop it.

I understand that there are worse things in the world. There are a lot of terrible things that parents can and do inflict upon their children. But for the love of all that is good in the world, stop fucking ordering me around. If your balance of household chores is unsatisfactory, relying on your twenty-year-old who lives 300 miles away to a. mediate your arguments, b. do things you don't want to, or c. do things her sister doesn't want to do is not actually satisfactory. especially not for said twenty-year-old.

If you want me to do something, try approaching me as an adult who actually does have some understanding of how to manage her time (well, sometimes) instead of demanding when and how. Never mind giving me the opportunity to say no. Yelling is bad. Blackmail is worse.

Stop telling me when to go to sleep and when to wake up. I do not need directives regarding how much and what I eat. or exercise. or read. or watch TV. or paint my nails.

All this yelling and ordering and demanding really gets ye olde anxiety going. None of this has changed, except that now it's supposed to be my vacation.

Love,
The Gay One :D

to chew on later

"the more it might hurt, the more i might die doing it, the more worth doing it must be"

also, i definitely have a crush. what is it with me and breaks?

moments i hope never to forget

The time my former manager at my very first job told me I was like a little sister to him. He helped me plan some date that never happened with some girl who turned out to be crazy, but mostly he didn't freak out when I came out to him as gay. We talked on the phone a couple of times in the middle of long summer days, usually about nothing, but one time he had all these questions for me about how to enroll in community college and place into the right classes. I found out via facebook that he died this summer. I hadn't seen him in years; we'd both moved to different jobs and I spent most of my time in rochester by that point, but it still made me really sad.

The message I got from my friend welcoming me back to Rochester after the thanksgiving break from hell.

The way my cousins, my sister and I used to play spies in my grandparents' house

The time I sat in the Sue B second floor lounge my senior year and a new friend told me he had my back. He said he'd work to earn my trust.

Walking with my grandmother on the shore at sanibel island

Making that dumb speech about public speaking at the top ten percent dinner before graduating from high school. (random, yes.)

yet again

Curiosity killed the cat, in theory.

I am definitely the cat.

but i want to ask more questions?

this is too embarrassing to post on facebook

Directions:

Mark which things you have done, then calculate your score by counting the number of questions you marked. This test is out of 100 questions which means that the number you get as your score is also your percentage. Tag 10 of your friends , and re-post as "I do stupid things __% of the time."

1. [x] Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out: vanilla milkshake met kitchen walls...luckily i caught it fairly quickly...oops

2. [ ] Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails

3. [ ] Broken a chair by leaning back in it

4. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking: I can't tell you the number of times I've tried to blow a gum bubble while walking in a parking lot and then had the wind take the whole thing away :(

5. [x ] Choked on your own spit while you were talking

6. [ ] Had people tell you that you are blonde when you're not, or had people tell you that your blonde highlights are going to your head

7. [x] Been caught staring at your crush by your crush: ...shh. 

8. [x] Have looked for something for at least 5 min then realized it was in your hand

9. [x] Tried to push open a door that said pull

10. [x] Tried to pull open a door that said push: YES

Running total: 7

11. [ ] Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love-potion

12. [ ] Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else

13. [ ] Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs: see number seven. AHH.

14. [x] Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave: this is fun though...

15. [ ] Have gotten gum stuck in your hair

16. [x] Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble

17. [] Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it: EW i would freak out

18. [x] Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard

19. [ ] Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name

20. [x] Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot: every part of my feet and shins have been damaged by this...

Running total: 11

21. [x] Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on: yes. and i wear nametags after leaving conferences...oops

22. [ ] Have fallen out of a moving vehicle

23. [ ] Have run into a closed door

25. [x] Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it

26. [ ] It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke

27. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer

28. [ ] Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan

29. [x] Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk

30. [ ] Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock

Running total: 14

31. [ ]After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it

32. [x] Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside

33. [x] Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else: walked up to them, conversed with them, called them Mom, showed them things in the mall, yes. hahaha

34. [ ] Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off

35. [x] Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc when its on, even though you knew it was hot

36. [x] Taken off your clothes to change into something else then accidentally put the old clothes back on.

37. [ ] Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in

38. [x] Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard: doesn't the cereal BELONG in the fridge?

39. [ ] Walked into a pole

40. [ ] Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident/stolen someones shoes by accident

Running total: 19

41. [ ] took a picture of someone's eye with the flash on

43. [x] Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small

44. [ ] Walked out of the bathroom (stall) with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it

45. [x] Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there, you forgot what it was that you were going to do

46. [x] Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it

47. [x] Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up: all the time, weirdly

48. [x] Have poked yourself in the eye: with my finger, with a mascara wand, walked into a badminton net, etc. haha

49. [ ] Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on

50. [ ] Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair

Running total: 24

51. [ ] Have done enough stupid things to make a test

52. [x] Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil

53. [ ] Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it

54. [ ] Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was

55. [x] Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were: YES.

56. [ ] Looked into an overhead purposefully while it was on

57. [x] Got up early and got ready for school/work, then realized that you didn't have school/work that day

58. [x] Forgot your own phone number

59. [x] Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it

60. [x] Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny

Running total: 30

61. [ ] Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa

62. [x] Said funner then had someone make fun of you for it: but i love the "word" funner

63. [ ] Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence

64. [ ] Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person

65. [x] Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one or because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side: PPACS AGHHH

66. [x] Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions

67. [ ] Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong

68. [xxxxxxxx] Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it: every day of my life

69. [x] Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out

70. [] Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught

Running total: 35

71. [ ] When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face

72. [ ] Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb

73. [ ] Ran into a door jamb

74. [ ] Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid: haha no I know i'm stupid

75. [x] Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it

76. [ ] Have purposely licked playground sand -- not as fun as it looks:....why????

77. [x] Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band

78. [x] Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren't

79. [x] Have been so hyper you actually scared people

80. [] Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would hurt

Running total: 39

81. [ ] Put tape on someone else's hair then pulled it off

82. [x] Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again

83. [x] Sat and wondered why men's dress shirts have a loop on the back: someone explain this to me please?

84. [ ] Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about, then accidentally gave the code name away

85. [ ] Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair.

86. [x] Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone .

87. [ ] Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked funny: OWWWW no thank you

88. [x] When at a restaurant, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people

89. [ ] Have flung forks at people in a restaurant

90. [ ] Tripped and made the waiter drop the food.

Running total: 43

91. [ ] As you are writing, you move/moved your head back and forth with your pen/pencil

92. [ ] Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them

93. [ ] Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper

94. [ ] Have used somebody else's toothbrush without even realizing it wasn't yours

95. [x] Have started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story

96. [x] Read a whole book but during the whole book you weren’t even paying attention

97. [x] You have spelled your own name wrong before: on a spelling test in second grade. it was my first name. awesome.

98. [x] When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling

99. [x] Have used your calculator as a form of communication in a class

100. [ ] Have popped a balloon in your mouth

Grand total: 48

we need more than one beauty standard

I spend a lot of time thinking about gender identity. I sit around reading about other people's gender identity, questioning my own gender identity, talking about what it's like to have a less common gender identity, and these are all very important to me personally and academically.

But tonight, when I went to women's caucus, my two friends led a discussion with a goal of rekindling our passion for feminism-slash-gender-friendly-politics, since club membership is dwindling. Toward the end, we were talking about our biggest frustrations in daily life, and we got stuck on body image.

For the very first time, I told a group of people about my fight against disordered eating and shitty body image. It's a fight that I've largely won, for now, but from a purely academic standpoint I understand that this is not the sort of thing that goes away.

I did not say "I admitted to a group of people." It shouldn't be a secret. It's not something to be ashamed of. For me, this fight has come mostly from images I ingested from television and the movies--from Disney on up to the L Word. I haven't done the research to speak to the causes of eating disorders as an epidemic, but I've done enough reading to know that the media and issues of control (check for that one being present in my life, too) are big ones.

After I spoke my piece, which was really to do with comparisons to other people and No Fat Talk Week, another friend turned to me and expressed that it was good to know that everyone struggles. (Here's where I add that I am small-framed by most people's standards, and not especially fit or muscular, and she is curvy and belly dances and does zumba.)

What. The. Hell.
If littler girls are conditioned to hate their bodies, and medium girls like one of the leaders tonight are conditioned to hate their bodies for different reasons, and bigger girls are conditioned to hate their bodies for still other reasons, WE ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG AS A SOCIETY. Where is four-foot-eleven  on my television screen? Where is 160 pounds doing news interviews? Why are snow white and cinderella and barbie all built the damn same way?

Why is it that if you don't consciously avoid mainstream media and capitalism, you're exposed to the idea that there is only one acceptable body type? Why is it okay that all the jeans they sell in the mall are cut in the same proportions of inseam, hips, ass, thighs? Why are there padded bras, minimizers, elastic girdles, jeans with butt pads? Everything they sell, from shirts to undergarments to liposuction, is designed to make our bodies look just like someone else's. Enough.

What the hell is so wrong with our bodies the way they are? NOTHING.

I want every damn six-year-old and sixteen-year-old to hear and see that wherever your body fat and muscle distributes is good.

my mental state yesterday. title is Stomachache.

hating myself is the flavor of dark green undertone of olives, salty good like tears then suddenly foul, gray, slippery

knowing you tastes like stomach medicine
sweet berry then dull burning embers catch my tastebuds after the mouthful
chalky temporary relief until reality sets in again

makes my mouth twist with sour acid

i hate november.

such a craptastic two days. i don't even know where to start.

some things are gonna change around here, i think.

happy post forthcoming, i promise!

I never ever post poetry online, and i don't think this one is particularly phenomenal, but it's a start

You
should probably be nervous around me nervous about me
I
see what you try to keep hidden hear the words you don't say, if
You
shut up use your eyes not your tongue
My untrained subconscious
starts telling with the corners of my eyes and teeth against lips

it went like this:

social paranoia
cleaning the gluten out of my system
reduction of anxiety and paranoia
fearlessness = dumb mistakes
dumb mistakes = consequences
consequences = doubts ability to judge trustworthiness of fellow humans

i suppose that is healthy, to some extent. but it makes storytelling more...complicated. i don't know how to claim space but not more than i want.

Song challenge 07

(a song that reminds me of a certain event)

Wherever, Whenever by Shakira. event: the first time it occurred to me that I liked girls. eighth grade Spanish class.

:D

attitude

i'm trying optimism, because the rest of the semester is looking pretty terrifyingly busy right now. I am not going to write down my ridiculous list of assignments, exams, and responsibilities; instead, here are the things that are going to be good about the time between right now and the semester ending:

1. Ballet Performance Group show and then Harry Potter tonight with a couple of friends, including one who graduated and i see much less often than we'd like
2. Making AIDS awareness pins with red ribbon on Sunday
3. seeing my puppy over thanksgiving break. whatever else those three days turn into, they'll at least involve my dog and some quality cuddling.
4. the instant where i drag myself off the plane and through the security exit in newark airport, when i see my dad (who's come to pick me up) and relax for the first time in hours
5. getting some sleep tomorrow morning, finally
6. definitely going to tilt one of these weeks to just relax and dance
7. hot showers
8. getting my hair cut with one of my suitemates after thanksgiving
9. late-night chats with people i'm getting to know
10. the existence of Indian food
11. I found my favorite (okay, only) hat. so i can wear it and look gay and camouflage bad hair days.
12. sweatpants becoming increasingly acceptable to wear on weekdays
13. women's caucus bonding activity during reading period. usually alcoholic, always fun.

things I did today

• went to both of my classes
• strategized with professor about how to not fail bioorganic chemistry
• studied a little bit of bioorganic chemistry--oxime formation
• met with women's group adviser #2, where we received way too many helpful suggestions for the number of hours i have in a day
• ate pasta and also "tacos" that were really nachos. oh, and granola in yogurt
• wrote about two pages of my paper, and more importantly figured out the structure a little better
• watched iron jawed angels for the first time
• had two sort of intense conversations simultaneously instead of writing said paper. it's on development of primary sex characteristics, and prior to tonight, was maybe a quarter of the way done. but now i have a research question, and i know how to work my background material into the rest of the text.
• sent my resume and application for independent research to people writing me letters of rec
• freaked out about how i should be applying for jobs and/or grad school instead of the award i'm actually applying for
• worried about aforementioned two conversations and how not to resume old unhelpful social patterns. reflected on personal growth in the area of these topics.

sunday evening blues, making your life miserable since 1996

i need a vacation and i probably won't get one until December.

i'm very gracefully falling apart.

i asked to drive but i feel like someone cut the steering wheel wires and the brakes are sparking instead of stopping.

nighttime really can go fuck itself.

unrelatedly, i want to throw a party.

tacos are not that complicated

Dear dining "services," AGAIN,

i am not a chef. however, i do know a couple of things that are not that hard to figure out.

first, pico de gallo is definitely not straight-up chopped tomato. i don't claim to know what it is, but i'm sure it isn't this.

(side note: i looked it up, and according to The Internet, you can find out the etymology of the name and also that it generally involves onion and sometimes chilis, lemon or lime juice, cilantro, cucumber, radishes, and other firm fruits. the end)

also, please do not look at me like i've got three heads when i ask for sour cream. or for crunchy corn tortillas. they may not be authentic to actual Mexican cuisine, but you've been serving them since september, and i could have found them in the grocery store at the age of six. And i am not all that good at directions. why are you confused about whether you serve them today?

part three, if you wanted to not block the entire utensil slash condiment area during the dinner rush, there wouldn't be the pedestrian equivalent of a traffic jam. if you really wanted to improve life, you wouldn't keep the forks six feet off the ground--they are literally above my head and therefore very hard to reach--but that's another story.

and since when do you make rice with hot sauce?

(the reason i care so much and am so damn annoyed about this: hard-shell black bean tacos are the only gluten-free and vegetarian option in the student union/on the weekends. besides salad, but i drop weight as easily as i drop F-bombs.)

Song challenge 06

A song that reminds me of somewhere.

Songbird, by Kenny G. My dad loves jazz, among other types of music, and sometimes in the evenings he would sit in the library in the front of the house, reading and listening to music. (I assume he still does, but I'm not around in the evenings much in pipersville.) This song in particular is one I associate with him, and more importantly with the corner of the house that is his personal spot. The blue leather couch and set of side tables are usually strewn with the newspaper, whatever novel or biography he's reading, and a bunch of highlighted copies of value line.

I even made a copy of his CD.

oh shit, does that mean to be a functional and not broke adult i have to invest? and read the tiny tiny print in value line?

like a mathematician who can't subtract

How did I end up in this mess?

I read enough to know this is a psychological stage and that things will get better, but i'm also human, and right now i'm angry at myself.

I was having a chat with a buddy earlier tonight that reminded me of something about myself. Backstory is that we haven't known each other too long, but he's one of the people i talk to online late at night when i should be doing homework. we were talking about a bunch of stuff, including something he'd alluded to a few times before but seemed nervous to talk about. my attempt to encourage him to continue if he felt comfortable was to take a guess at the topic. ...and i was right. pretty much spot-on in my perception of him and the thing he was worried about. Reading people is one of the things i'm good at in life. I like that I have the ability to tell what's up with people, even if they try to hide it. I can usually spot things others can't.

(This, incidentally, is exactly why I can't argue. Things people don't tell me directly are not fair game, in my book, and it's likely that everything I ever realized about a person would come spilling out in one rage-filled paragraph. I'm not a cruel person, even when I'm pretty angry or upset, but it means I have to keep my mouth shut. even at the expense of looking like a crappy fighter.)

So I repeat, how did I end up in this mess?

How the fuck didn't I see it coming?

And more importantly, what the hell do I do now? I don't want to be that girl.

life is improving

team,

my heart is warmed. i've talked to several people this week who don't suck. good listeners, don't dump all of their problems on me at once, friendly in a noncreepy way, etc.

Things that are good to do:

eat

sleep

express your feelings to other people, selectively.

understand that you are still a good person even if some of your grades are bad

i really want that tattoo, but that's a topic for when i'm less tired.

LGBTQIAlphabetSoup

i'm having a really intense physical reaction to something I just read, and I'm not entirely sure why. my heart started racing and i got that lovely twisty nervous feeling in my abdomen, and after a couple minutes' reflection I'm thinking it's that I might be about to discover something about myself that I might not like.

The blog is http://starfishwithwings.wordpress.com/ by a guy I know named Tristan (are we friends? I'd like to be friends. He's possibly too cool to be my friend, and I think I'm bad at making friends because I'm horribly shy at inconvenient times and my brain shuts down when I should be thinking of appropriate and inspiring conversation topics, but that's not relevant at present.) The section of the post titled Psuedofriends in Psyberspace that piqued my interest slash semifreakout was about the probability that sex with a man as a man is different than sex with a man as a woman. He used the words "power dynamics" and it hit a nerve.

First, because oh! lightbulb moment! I'm not alone in thinking this! yay!

Second, because I tried explaining this once to a friend (late at night while I was drinking, which probably didn't help) and she was totally confused. I was mostly thinking aloud about how my relationships with women are different than my relationships with trans men and how that would be different than being with a nontrans guy. This explanation really didn't go well for me, partially because I'm bad at talking but largely because I couldn't get across why exactly being with a trans guy made me not 100% homosexual.

Being with a man = not gold star lesbian. But that's not exactly a clear explanation--it's because of the difference in power dynamics, as well as a lot of other factors emotionally.

What upset me is that...I thought I was cool with that. This wasn't my first relationship of this variety, and I'm not clueless about what it means when you agree to this sort of tie with a person of a particular gender. But...I was bad at it. The power differential freaked me the hell out and I didn't like it. I'm just not sure where I went wrong--the person, the expectations, the situation? The place I was in at the time? My feelings about (the lack of) control in my own life? Something else?

So I thought I was bi with a couple of "types," or maybe pansexual; I didn't have a label and I wasn't too concerned with finding one. Now I'm not so sure. Is it always like this? Do I even want to find out? For sure, I'm not especially in a place to test the waters again.

On the other hand, I sort of actually do think I'm...not just into girls. And part of me desperately wants to see that that's okay. That it won't be self-destructive.

I'm whiny when I'm hungry

Dear Dining Services,

1. mozzarella cheese is inappropriate on a taco. it is also inappropriate on burritos, burrito bowls, and probably fajitas as well. Therefore, when i go to the taco station at 11:30 am, which is only half an hour after it opens, you should try to have appropriate cheese. you can't possibly have run out of...whatever normal taco cheese is...by 11:30 am.

2. you also seem to have run out of rice chex again, which is what i really wanted when i went to the dining hall at 11:30 in the morning, because I consider before noon to be breakfast time. I know that you get cases and cases of cereal from Sysco, who gets them from the Official Cereal People, who I am sure are not completely out of rice chex. so for the love of all that is holy, please stop hiding the rice chex. it's the only breakfast object i can eat on this whole campus. awesome.

3. please stop hiding from me when i look for you to ask politely to find me some more rice chex. i only cry and/or scowl when i'm really hungry, so the less you hide, the nicer i will be.

4. please stop telling me you'll get the gluten-free cupcakes again, unless you're actually going to get the gluten-free cupcakes. please don't tell me you're going to get the other guy to do it, because he told me you would do it. this is not supposed to work like siblings blaming each other for making the mess.

5. remember three months ago, when i was so hungry I sent you an email that i wrote while I was practically crying about how there wasn't any food i could eat on campus? and we talked about how we could get gluten-free food in the corner store, and you were sort of consoling and nice and assured me that i wouldn't have to starve? i do. THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STOP CARRYING THE FOOD all of a sudden.

Song challenge 05

A song that reminds me of someone...take me on the floor by the veronicas reminds me of a laundry list of cool people. i first listened to it while driving to virginia beach with my best friends from high school. it's a good song for flying down the highway with a week's vacation ahead of you, with the sun shining on your whole life. it also makes me think of the person i spent the whole car ride texting.

take me on the floor is also one of my friend steph's songs. it's something we play to get pumped for clubbing. so a lot of good memories associated with this one.

Song challenge 04

A song that makes me sad.

Burning bridges, by Chris Pureka. It's about losing someone you love to someone else. not in a malicious way, like they stole her away, but that she moved on. the lyrics and the tone are heartbreaking.

of course it reminds me of a girl. a girl who asked for my heart and gave it back--more than once. i don't know if we can be friends again, if i can trust her again, and that's worse in a way. the first time it happened, the not-talking phase was what really hurt. this time, it's easier, and i don't like that. but i can't keep being torn up about her, either.

thank you, song challenge.

it took me a good eight or nine months before that song didn't reduce me to tears every time i heard it.

reeling

it's october 30th. Something like three years and nine months since the world sped up and never slowed down.

i feel like i'm dying. a second ago i felt like my whole body was vibrating with each heartbeat. like i could see my head jerking. (this i probably imagined)

i don't know why the events of the past week or so have hit me so hard, but they have. it was like a dream, except i woke up and it was all real.

i'm on my second caffeinated beverage since about three in the afternoon. this can't be good. but i have two exams on tuesday and i am SO unprepared.

i don't understand people.

Song challenge 03

So many choices for this one! One song that makes me happy is proud by tegan and sara. first of all, i love them just as much as every other gay chick between the ages of fifteen and thirty. their lyrics are just so...accurate and poignant without being lame. i grew up on their music when i was still a closet case. this song in particular is catchy and upbeat, but not sappy, and i like the percussion. the lyrics are about self-confidence and standing up for what you believe in. awesome.

it reminds me of driving in my parents' car in the outer banks, too. good memory, that summer.

Song challenge 02

My least favorite song probably depends on what annoying thing is playing at the moment! but for real, probably the song I hate most is whatever snarling, growling 1950s-era song they've been playing an awful lot in my starbucks lately. yes, i study here all the time, and yes, it's the most irritating, grotesque thing i have ever heard. but since i can't name it...

(this is just an excuse to have two least favorite songs) Come on get higher by matt nathanson. came from someone i was dating, thought it was cute, learned to love it, got my heart smashed, couldn't hear it without feeling like shit, pain dulled to a general dislike of the song...because it's sappy. and too catchy. yeah.

optimism will return tomorrow, folks.

side note

I am in over my head in every respect. i want everyone to leave me alone for three days so i can process all of this, and give me another day to do all my backlogged work, and then i can resume life as normal. sheeeeeeit.

Song challenge 01

My favorite song...wow, way to start off with a hard one. Maybe The Remedy by Jason Mraz. it reminds me of camp conrad weiser back in the day, when a girl named annie and i were close friends. she introduced me to jason mraz and a couple of other artists that i don't listen to anymore. i play this song in my car with the windows down, loud enough to drown out my singing almost completely. this works best on the highway or on 413 where i can get enough speed to feel the wind in my hair, but i love it regardless. it's about relaxing-- "i won't worry my life away" and social awareness and it reminds me of summer.

Song challenge

Day 01 - Your favorite song

Day 02 - Your least favorite song

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year

division

defective importin beta recognition

how do i know who i can let in and who i can't? i'm sincerely considering never trusting again

and nuclear import

i let you in and you took so much advantage that i couldn't sleep for weeks

of the sex-determining factor SRY

fuck me in my bed but don't stay the night

are associated with XY sex-reversing mutations

i'm definitely defective, that's for sure. and i don't want to be that girl. don't come over.

stay away. i'll never be the same and i hate that you can read my face without even knowing me.

i hope you call.

i am not having a good day.

I won't send these

1. Fuck you. You were always my exception to reason. You were always the one that got away but said they'd be back. You could always fool me.

I'd have flown across the world for you. And you can't keep your mind made up for more than a few days. It just hurts so much. every single time.

but I guess that's what I get for giving a damn.

2. (all i want to say to you is silence but) leave me alone.

3. This is so stupid, but I want to be your friend. I think it could be a good idea. maybe even fun.

I think we could both use it right now.

4. And....I remember why I wanted you in my life. Dammit.

if only it were this easy

Dear Anxiety,

Go away. Now. I do not want to cohabitate with you, since you are a bad bedmate (you make it hard to fall asleep) and you make a mess of my room (because I am late for things when I can't make simple decisions). You are mean to me and you make my stomach feel gross and you give me headaches. I am breaking up with you, and I'd like you to take your sidekicks Procrastination and Passivity along with you. And no, I don't want to be friends. You're ruining my life.

fool me twice

the moment has passed and the sparkle in your eyes has faded. i know this, but when you remind me, i still feel the ache.

on purpose and exhaustion

One of the many things I have learned at Rochester:

it is one of the worst feelings to have pushed till you're spent and to still have more to go. to have given something so much effort and time and pure life energy is powerful, but when it's just not enough, when the work is good but you're not finished, that's when it's also tough. almost hopeless, at times.

I'm referring to schoolwork and extracurriculars and leadership and schedules, but I guess it's also true for relationships and emotional ties.

I guess that's one of the unique things about being at a place like this: everyone i meet is driven toward something. we have passion, even if we don't know where to direct it yet. it's intimidating at times, but usually i feel inspired.