I am completely aware that this is stupid and neurotic and irrational but between the following things I feel more than a little alone.
1. I'm getting nothing from my parents but doubt, and really there is enough doubt in my own head from living with them for 17 years.
2. (here we go with the part that makes me sound pathetic) my dog is gone. now really, he's--was--a dog. we put a lot of emotions into those big eyes that maybe aren't there, and people have weird attachments to their childhood pets. but a being that loved me back and was always glad to see me, no matter what, no matter if I messed up or told him his breath was bad or slept in late, is gone. it's not like we could really talk while I was here. but I feel a little lonely without him nonetheless. unconditional love is a lot to ask for from a human.
yes, I am near tears again. whee.
3. everybody I know has their own shit to deal with and their own anxiety and problems and shit they need to take care of. Other people's emotions always rub off on me, especially people I'm close to, and most of the people I'm close to are stressed out about graduating. So I feel caught in this whirlwind of misery and stress and not-knowing that isn't just mine.
it's hard to ask for support. I wasn't raised to do it and it makes me feel a little guilty, since everyone has their own issues this month. But I need a big sign that says "be gentle"
4. everyone needs to stop asking me what I'm doing with the rest of my life
5. i need to get better at answering this question, and at interviews in general.
6. another sign I need to hold up? "needs a hug."
because I don't have all the answers. That's part of the reason that I'm taking a year for pete's sake. I don't know how to plan everything and coordinate things and find answers.
but I'm willing to try. that has to be worth something.
No comments:
Post a Comment