largely undepressing

I don't know how you feel either. 


That first part there is pretty standard. It's the frustrating, often miserable truth that I rarely know what's going on in my own relationships. I'm really, really good at seeing the essence of a person, and sometimes terrible at knowing what they're thinking about me.

So every involvement, or whatever, is nothing less than a leap of faith. Faith that I'll get hurt badly (since this is more of a guarantee than a question) but mostly faith that I can deal with it.

Well, that was dismal. Enough. Because this time I feel like maybe it'll be all right, in the sense that I feel more like my usual lit-on-fire feeling will turn into a firework and less like the fireball is about to hit my house. I don't know why that is, exactly, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the person.

This is not reassuring, and I'm sorry for that. I can't run from it like I usually do.

But I get happy when I see her. and i like that a lot. I feel unconfused and excited and very ready to go back.