reeling

it's october 30th. Something like three years and nine months since the world sped up and never slowed down.

i feel like i'm dying. a second ago i felt like my whole body was vibrating with each heartbeat. like i could see my head jerking. (this i probably imagined)

i don't know why the events of the past week or so have hit me so hard, but they have. it was like a dream, except i woke up and it was all real.

i'm on my second caffeinated beverage since about three in the afternoon. this can't be good. but i have two exams on tuesday and i am SO unprepared.

i don't understand people.

Song challenge 03

So many choices for this one! One song that makes me happy is proud by tegan and sara. first of all, i love them just as much as every other gay chick between the ages of fifteen and thirty. their lyrics are just so...accurate and poignant without being lame. i grew up on their music when i was still a closet case. this song in particular is catchy and upbeat, but not sappy, and i like the percussion. the lyrics are about self-confidence and standing up for what you believe in. awesome.

it reminds me of driving in my parents' car in the outer banks, too. good memory, that summer.

Song challenge 02

My least favorite song probably depends on what annoying thing is playing at the moment! but for real, probably the song I hate most is whatever snarling, growling 1950s-era song they've been playing an awful lot in my starbucks lately. yes, i study here all the time, and yes, it's the most irritating, grotesque thing i have ever heard. but since i can't name it...

(this is just an excuse to have two least favorite songs) Come on get higher by matt nathanson. came from someone i was dating, thought it was cute, learned to love it, got my heart smashed, couldn't hear it without feeling like shit, pain dulled to a general dislike of the song...because it's sappy. and too catchy. yeah.

optimism will return tomorrow, folks.

side note

I am in over my head in every respect. i want everyone to leave me alone for three days so i can process all of this, and give me another day to do all my backlogged work, and then i can resume life as normal. sheeeeeeit.

Song challenge 01

My favorite song...wow, way to start off with a hard one. Maybe The Remedy by Jason Mraz. it reminds me of camp conrad weiser back in the day, when a girl named annie and i were close friends. she introduced me to jason mraz and a couple of other artists that i don't listen to anymore. i play this song in my car with the windows down, loud enough to drown out my singing almost completely. this works best on the highway or on 413 where i can get enough speed to feel the wind in my hair, but i love it regardless. it's about relaxing-- "i won't worry my life away" and social awareness and it reminds me of summer.

Song challenge

Day 01 - Your favorite song

Day 02 - Your least favorite song

Day 03 - A song that makes you happy

Day 04 - A song that makes you sad

Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone

Day 06 - A song that reminds of you of somewhere

Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to

Day 09 - A song that you can dance to

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

Day 15 - A song that describes you

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding

Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year

division

defective importin beta recognition

how do i know who i can let in and who i can't? i'm sincerely considering never trusting again

and nuclear import

i let you in and you took so much advantage that i couldn't sleep for weeks

of the sex-determining factor SRY

fuck me in my bed but don't stay the night

are associated with XY sex-reversing mutations

i'm definitely defective, that's for sure. and i don't want to be that girl. don't come over.

stay away. i'll never be the same and i hate that you can read my face without even knowing me.

i hope you call.

i am not having a good day.

I won't send these

1. Fuck you. You were always my exception to reason. You were always the one that got away but said they'd be back. You could always fool me.

I'd have flown across the world for you. And you can't keep your mind made up for more than a few days. It just hurts so much. every single time.

but I guess that's what I get for giving a damn.

2. (all i want to say to you is silence but) leave me alone.

3. This is so stupid, but I want to be your friend. I think it could be a good idea. maybe even fun.

I think we could both use it right now.

4. And....I remember why I wanted you in my life. Dammit.

if only it were this easy

Dear Anxiety,

Go away. Now. I do not want to cohabitate with you, since you are a bad bedmate (you make it hard to fall asleep) and you make a mess of my room (because I am late for things when I can't make simple decisions). You are mean to me and you make my stomach feel gross and you give me headaches. I am breaking up with you, and I'd like you to take your sidekicks Procrastination and Passivity along with you. And no, I don't want to be friends. You're ruining my life.

fool me twice

the moment has passed and the sparkle in your eyes has faded. i know this, but when you remind me, i still feel the ache.

on purpose and exhaustion

One of the many things I have learned at Rochester:

it is one of the worst feelings to have pushed till you're spent and to still have more to go. to have given something so much effort and time and pure life energy is powerful, but when it's just not enough, when the work is good but you're not finished, that's when it's also tough. almost hopeless, at times.

I'm referring to schoolwork and extracurriculars and leadership and schedules, but I guess it's also true for relationships and emotional ties.

I guess that's one of the unique things about being at a place like this: everyone i meet is driven toward something. we have passion, even if we don't know where to direct it yet. it's intimidating at times, but usually i feel inspired.

gold-colored paths?

Today is stretched out ahead of me. I know it's not endless; soon enough it'll be dark and I'll regret sitting here with my bagel basking in the sun when I have a huge stack of shit to learn by Tuesday. But food is good. especially cream cheese. And right now it feels like I have a million hours to focus and absorb and remember.

and...I can't express in words what I was thinking about. Dammit. it was about time, though.

to a person I'll nickname Autumn

You make no sense, but not in the typical "all over the place" sense where I never know what's next. Your patterns, the few of them that I know, fascinate me. And I like that you want to be my friend.