lightbulb moment

I have a strange relationship with my hair. I realized exactly the terms in which to discuss this during a rather banal class discussion that started with an excerpt of Jack Halberstam's Female Masculinity. 

My forearm hurts from writing pages and pages of a study guide for an exam I took on Tuesday, so I'll write about that later. (but no, this is not about to turn into a me-questioning-my-gender-identity piece)

But that's why it made me so happy when you said you liked my hair short. I feel right with it short.

on backrubs

it feels good to know from the inside that I'm doing all right (rather than looking for cues from someone else).

the reason i was banging the keyboard

this is what i want. she is who i want.

i think we don't have to follow anyone else's path.

meh

I'm anxious beyond words about the future. I don't actually know how to do this without support. I need to make decisions and take action and get unstuck.

I know it means bad things if I don't get unstuck. staying here might create different bad things, of course, and as much as I don't want to face the reality of that prospect, it's time.

I should either be responding to a certain email or learning some science, but all the channels in my head are going "shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit" and not much else.

the thing

my hands are shaking. actually, so are my legs.

a post that is just song lyrics

The clouds are blown away
I hope you`re here to stay
`Cause I`ve got me needing more of you
Guess I`m falling for you

You walk away
My eyes caress you
Then you turn and smile
You`ve caught me thinkin` of love with you
Guess I`m falling, I may be falling for you

Since I met you days are brighter
Life`s uneven loads are lighter
When I hear you whisper the words I long to hear dear
Now I look into your eyes
I`m lost in knowing that you are all I want 
My need for you is growing
Guess I`m falling, I think I`m falling for you
Think about falling for me too

explanations

About a month ago I went to this campus health event for women to reconnect with their bodies. Lots of potentially sappy stuff, but we wrote a letter to our bodies. I'm going to type it up and post it (to all, what, three readers I have) for two reasons. One, because it's not like I'm the only person to have gone through this stuff, and two, because it's sort of an explanation for why I'm moving as slowly as I am. I had this hidden in the back of my desk drawer for a while, but...I shouldn't feel ashamed. I'll grow more if I acknowledge that these things are part of my past. Okay. (nervous)

and the stress dreams begin

I had a ridiculous and mostly terrible dream last night. I lived in a huge house whose outside structure was actually a very large tree (don't ask me about the environmental ethics of this one) with four or five other people about my age. Some were still students, but I had graduated and didn't go to school here anymore. It was morning, probably late spring or summer, and everyone in the house was either awake or already gone. I was feeling sick, but took my turn in the shower. It was an enormous shower in this very nice bathroom, and there were lots of fancy jets and a huge shelf where everyone kept their bottles. The tiles were white and they looked very nice in the sunlight. I took my sweet time, and shouted out to the next person when I had finished.

I walked back into my room and got a look at the clock, and suddenly I realized that I was late for work.  (DUH, now that I think about it, if my dream-self was well-rested it had to have been at least noon.) Then I realized that the house was out in the suburbs (of Rochester) and that I worked in the city, but that I had forgotten to buy a car. It was the first day of classes for my housemates, and they were too busy worrying about getting their books and stuff to be able to help me. I couldn't find a ride from anyone, and the dream ended with me borrowing a bike and embarking on a very long journey under the blazing sun. I was going to end up sweaty and disgusting for work.

Not too hard to interpret, eh?

side note

I'm sitting next to a beautiful girl

(and I'll write a real post later tonight)

clarity

Everything is laid out for me for the next while and I've never liked the sight of a road map so much. I found some things I can do with passion and if I get a few good days in I'll have the energy for the next challenge.

I know what I have to do.

I'm just happy.

Not a poem

Today i can't drink coffee fast enough to keep up with my beating heart that's racing from chasing you around your own mind

You're feeling unprepared but I'm following the pop song floorplan you sketched on my pillow and it's like playing hide and seek blindfolded using my clumsy fingers to trace my progress and look for what i know is there

My saving grace is that our houses look the same, well you can see and I can remember so we're fine, fine, safe here.

But we could sit on the couch and be just as warm and it'd still my pounding heart

i'm approaching the end of the earth

I'm scared to death that my parents won't support me if I stay here. I have this idea in my head that they won't emotionally support me, but it's totally realistic that they wouldn't financially support me.

But I know I have to live by myself. I know this is one of many paths that are right. I am even pretty sure that I can do it. it's just scary when I'm not sure that the some of the smartest people in my life believe in me. right now I feel like I have to do all the believing.

this has been your angst-ridden blog post of the day.

another short one

I am absolutely sure of pretty much everything right now. it feels so good.

I know I want this career. a thing that can make my heart race when I'm lying in bed thinking about it. a thing that will do some good somewhere.

I know I want...this. whatever it is.

I am content. (except for this finishing-senior-year business)

progress

I need to have some thoughts on Audre Lorde. Two pages' worth.

I also need to be a big kid and solve my own problems. This makes me nervous.

Too bad I'm not a Women's Studies major

there are like 6 classes on feminism at this school. Only six. That's not even enough to make a women's studies major. that's not even enough to take one per semester. why in the world is there so much overlap between the introductory class and the philosophy class? So frustrated.

Oh. It's probably because we don't even bother to discuss the readings in class. The whole thing is some kind of glorified group therapy meeting.

grumble grumble.

largely undepressing

I don't know how you feel either. 


That first part there is pretty standard. It's the frustrating, often miserable truth that I rarely know what's going on in my own relationships. I'm really, really good at seeing the essence of a person, and sometimes terrible at knowing what they're thinking about me.

So every involvement, or whatever, is nothing less than a leap of faith. Faith that I'll get hurt badly (since this is more of a guarantee than a question) but mostly faith that I can deal with it.

Well, that was dismal. Enough. Because this time I feel like maybe it'll be all right, in the sense that I feel more like my usual lit-on-fire feeling will turn into a firework and less like the fireball is about to hit my house. I don't know why that is, exactly, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the person.

This is not reassuring, and I'm sorry for that. I can't run from it like I usually do.

But I get happy when I see her. and i like that a lot. I feel unconfused and excited and very ready to go back.

pulling it together

i want this time to be not bad, for her. desperately. i'm going to do it right, in the chivalrous sense, hopefully. if she'll let me?

i had this thought the second i read that text.

it feels like driving my parents' new car.  the pedals are really sensitive and every twitch of the foot either sends you flying or stops you instantly. (as in you have to be really really gentle, not as in i feel like an emotional roller coaster. this is why I should be sleeping at quarter to five in the morning.)

It's bad timing for me to go into hibernate mode, but I'm feeling a lot of tension and pressure. I talked to someone at UCC a lot about telling the difference between my (inner) voice and the "voices" of people in my life. They all tend to argue. A lot.

I think it's a big part of why my parents stress me out so much. If they're already in my head and then they start saying the same things, it's like shouting. So yeah, this week there's a lot of shouting in my head, and it's hard to concentrate.

I'll be back.

Edit: this makes me sound like I'm hearing voices. I'm not, i promise.

so much

The past few days have been at once really uneventful (in terms of things I've physically done or seen) and totally crazy (emotionally, as per usual).

Earlier I had the intense urge to listen to Wonderwall (trite, yes, but also true):
And all the roads that lead to you are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how 


I want to take you ice skating and hold your hand.


Until I have some privacy I won't be able to write much, unfortunately. But my brain is ON.

Dear Dad,

I know that this is right. I know that I didn't feel much of anything at all until I "should have" had my life planned out in some reasonable capacity, and now I am playing catch-up in comparison to where you were at 21. But this is my life and these are my next five years (and fifty years) in which to believe in myself and in what I'm doing.

I know for sure that I'm not ready to give up my energy and time and passion to a bunch of old guys making money off of someone else. Maybe I'll throw myself into the corporate world someday, but for now I am quite content working against oppression and not for it.

Who wants to hire me!?

cat-dinosaurs

I had been running around looking to feel something, looking for the moments in life that spark with energy and promise. When I read that today I felt like I had reached one of those moments.  it was a moment on a journey, for sure, but it was one of the better ones.

I have never had this happen to me before. this mutual feelings and mutual excitement thing. really.

This distance thing is killing me, and I feel...pressure...certainly, but mostly I'm feeling like a spinning little girl in a bright dress on a sunny day and everything is free.

I believe in myself.

writer's block

i'm really trying to write a poem (and create a mix CD and read tumblr and drink chai and talk to steph)

but:
I was grinning like a fool more because of your presence than the cider.

extreme frustration

Dear Adviser #1,

Please stop making my life unnecessarily difficult. I do not want to wake up every day to harassing emails from you full of "extra work" you thought up or "special rules" you pull out of your ass. Also, please answer my emails in which I ask you questions--I know you open your Outlook Express because I receive harassing emails FROM you. Stop creepily finding me in random places on campus to ask me questions. We have scheduled meetings, email, and telephones for a reason.

Much love,
Polanski

she's amazing

I like this. This is the point where I always manage to sabotage myself, but...maybe I will manage to not shoot myself in the foot.

but I'm happy. very happy.

more later, i guess.