i'm approaching the end of the earth

I'm scared to death that my parents won't support me if I stay here. I have this idea in my head that they won't emotionally support me, but it's totally realistic that they wouldn't financially support me.

But I know I have to live by myself. I know this is one of many paths that are right. I am even pretty sure that I can do it. it's just scary when I'm not sure that the some of the smartest people in my life believe in me. right now I feel like I have to do all the believing.

this has been your angst-ridden blog post of the day.

another short one

I am absolutely sure of pretty much everything right now. it feels so good.

I know I want this career. a thing that can make my heart race when I'm lying in bed thinking about it. a thing that will do some good somewhere.

I know I want...this. whatever it is.

I am content. (except for this finishing-senior-year business)

progress

I need to have some thoughts on Audre Lorde. Two pages' worth.

I also need to be a big kid and solve my own problems. This makes me nervous.

Too bad I'm not a Women's Studies major

there are like 6 classes on feminism at this school. Only six. That's not even enough to make a women's studies major. that's not even enough to take one per semester. why in the world is there so much overlap between the introductory class and the philosophy class? So frustrated.

Oh. It's probably because we don't even bother to discuss the readings in class. The whole thing is some kind of glorified group therapy meeting.

grumble grumble.

largely undepressing

I don't know how you feel either. 


That first part there is pretty standard. It's the frustrating, often miserable truth that I rarely know what's going on in my own relationships. I'm really, really good at seeing the essence of a person, and sometimes terrible at knowing what they're thinking about me.

So every involvement, or whatever, is nothing less than a leap of faith. Faith that I'll get hurt badly (since this is more of a guarantee than a question) but mostly faith that I can deal with it.

Well, that was dismal. Enough. Because this time I feel like maybe it'll be all right, in the sense that I feel more like my usual lit-on-fire feeling will turn into a firework and less like the fireball is about to hit my house. I don't know why that is, exactly, but I have a feeling it has something to do with the person.

This is not reassuring, and I'm sorry for that. I can't run from it like I usually do.

But I get happy when I see her. and i like that a lot. I feel unconfused and excited and very ready to go back.

pulling it together

i want this time to be not bad, for her. desperately. i'm going to do it right, in the chivalrous sense, hopefully. if she'll let me?

i had this thought the second i read that text.

it feels like driving my parents' new car.  the pedals are really sensitive and every twitch of the foot either sends you flying or stops you instantly. (as in you have to be really really gentle, not as in i feel like an emotional roller coaster. this is why I should be sleeping at quarter to five in the morning.)

It's bad timing for me to go into hibernate mode, but I'm feeling a lot of tension and pressure. I talked to someone at UCC a lot about telling the difference between my (inner) voice and the "voices" of people in my life. They all tend to argue. A lot.

I think it's a big part of why my parents stress me out so much. If they're already in my head and then they start saying the same things, it's like shouting. So yeah, this week there's a lot of shouting in my head, and it's hard to concentrate.

I'll be back.

Edit: this makes me sound like I'm hearing voices. I'm not, i promise.