division

defective importin beta recognition

how do i know who i can let in and who i can't? i'm sincerely considering never trusting again

and nuclear import

i let you in and you took so much advantage that i couldn't sleep for weeks

of the sex-determining factor SRY

fuck me in my bed but don't stay the night

are associated with XY sex-reversing mutations

i'm definitely defective, that's for sure. and i don't want to be that girl. don't come over.

stay away. i'll never be the same and i hate that you can read my face without even knowing me.

i hope you call.

i am not having a good day.

I won't send these

1. Fuck you. You were always my exception to reason. You were always the one that got away but said they'd be back. You could always fool me.

I'd have flown across the world for you. And you can't keep your mind made up for more than a few days. It just hurts so much. every single time.

but I guess that's what I get for giving a damn.

2. (all i want to say to you is silence but) leave me alone.

3. This is so stupid, but I want to be your friend. I think it could be a good idea. maybe even fun.

I think we could both use it right now.

4. And....I remember why I wanted you in my life. Dammit.

if only it were this easy

Dear Anxiety,

Go away. Now. I do not want to cohabitate with you, since you are a bad bedmate (you make it hard to fall asleep) and you make a mess of my room (because I am late for things when I can't make simple decisions). You are mean to me and you make my stomach feel gross and you give me headaches. I am breaking up with you, and I'd like you to take your sidekicks Procrastination and Passivity along with you. And no, I don't want to be friends. You're ruining my life.

fool me twice

the moment has passed and the sparkle in your eyes has faded. i know this, but when you remind me, i still feel the ache.

on purpose and exhaustion

One of the many things I have learned at Rochester:

it is one of the worst feelings to have pushed till you're spent and to still have more to go. to have given something so much effort and time and pure life energy is powerful, but when it's just not enough, when the work is good but you're not finished, that's when it's also tough. almost hopeless, at times.

I'm referring to schoolwork and extracurriculars and leadership and schedules, but I guess it's also true for relationships and emotional ties.

I guess that's one of the unique things about being at a place like this: everyone i meet is driven toward something. we have passion, even if we don't know where to direct it yet. it's intimidating at times, but usually i feel inspired.

gold-colored paths?

Today is stretched out ahead of me. I know it's not endless; soon enough it'll be dark and I'll regret sitting here with my bagel basking in the sun when I have a huge stack of shit to learn by Tuesday. But food is good. especially cream cheese. And right now it feels like I have a million hours to focus and absorb and remember.

and...I can't express in words what I was thinking about. Dammit. it was about time, though.

to a person I'll nickname Autumn

You make no sense, but not in the typical "all over the place" sense where I never know what's next. Your patterns, the few of them that I know, fascinate me. And I like that you want to be my friend.