calmer now

I'm freaking the FUCK out. i'm aware that I'm not handling it especially well and I'm aware that it's not anybody's fault.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know that I can make myself do work anymore and I don't know how I'm going to afford grad school and I don't know if my parents are going to deliver on their promise to bring furniture. I am afraid of becoming dependent on another person. It makes me feel guilty and ashamed, even though it shouldn't if that person treats me right.

I don't know how to sort through my own values to plan for my future. Sara my old therapist told me that I could tell the difference between my values and my dad's, and I believe her--I just have to listen to myself.

I'm jealous of the authors of all those dumb lesbian books who said fuck it, I'll write and live and work and make something of myself. They seem so free, so unafraid.

The look in my eyes that I'm sure was there last night was just me trying to calm the fuck down. Your fears and worries sound so much like mine that sometimes my inner voice jumps in and echoes. Then it's hard to stay in the moment--to do anything besides freak out. I don't have answers, and I don't like it. I want to say something more substantial than "it'll be all right," because it will, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier to sleep at night.

The other thing is that it's sad. I feel powerless to help myself sometimes, stuck, and I don't wish that feeling on anyone, especially you. I feel like I can't help you either, or even provide decent advice, because I'm there too, and then I feel like I'm not being supportive enough. (this makes me sound like one of those annoying masculine-type overthinking solvers)