sad.

Today I don't know if my back or my heart is more sore. Some combination of hours of badminton (which was an embarrassment to my years of backyard competitions), my crappy mattress on the floor, lugging my laptops around and around campus, and sitting around typing all day has turned my back into a mess of knots. yes, laptops plural. although generally i try not to carry them both at once--ouch. My forearms hurt, and my shoulders.

As for the rest of me, there are only so many times I can be told, "it's not you, it's me" (in every flavor) before I start to wonder. i wonder whether i'm picking them wrong. i wonder whether i'll ever be enough. i wonder why nothing ever, ever goes my way in this department. I wonder how many more times I can hear that before I never want to try again. 

I suppose I'm still stung by what happened in September, but mostly this is about the first week back to campus, culminating in this weekend. 

I want so badly to believe what she said, that she'd meant all of those things. it feels the way a shovel scraping on gravel sounds: raw, urgent, not loud, but grating and unsettling. painful like trying to scream on a sore throat. 

I sort of feel like women trying to date each other is like middle school girls trying to get themselves a best friend. It's supposed to say something about your entire person, like they're judging you on every merit from your clothes to your body image to whether you can pay for dinner.

In sum, I feel a little bit like shit. utterly exhausted, and a little more toward worthless.

peace and love.