Last night

I dreamed that everything was on fire. I was in a place like Venice, with water in places where you’d expect grass. There were dolphins, and I think that’s how it got started: Steph told me that if I called the dolphins over to me, using some kind of tool maybe, it would start a fire. Somehow I knew that I had done this before, and that things would happen exactly the same way if I did it again (Harry Potter time-travel style—it was the same event that I could see twice). It was bright sunset light, and I did whatever this thing was that called a dolphin. I played with the dolphin for a few minutes, and I was sitting on a wide stone staircase with a bunch of other people.

My sister decided she wanted to get a soda from the store across the street, but before she got there, it lit on fire. The fire was starting to spread, and my dad was yelling at me, but I couldn’t hear him. My sister and a bunch of people that we had been sitting with—a bunch of butchy lesbians—got up to start fighting the fire. I knew already that it would end just fine, and this girl April I know would come out telling stories about how she had literally chucked balls of flaming charcoal or something into the water with her bare hands. I wasn’t worried, but I wanted to help. I waded across the street to the outside of the store and started taking things from people inside that the store owner wanted to save: board games and food and stuff.

At one point I walked away to throw something in the trash, and ran into a girl I went to elementary school with. Her name was Kristen and she had long dark hair. She wanted to know why I wasn’t worried, since my sister was in there fighting the fire, but I couldn’t explain that I had seen this event before. So I walked away and continued carrying things for people.

*

I guess I could interpret this to mean that I know that everything is crazy right now, and some things are unstable, but that I'm also aware that I can get through it. and that I know my strengths?

Day 12- Bullet your day

Okay, it's July 23, 2011.

• At midnight I was throwing everything I wanted to pack into a pile on my bedroom floor in my parents' house. I had clothes folded neatly into vacuum bags...or at least, about 1/3 of the clothes that I needed to bring back.
• Started actually putting things into my backpack and suitcase
• Decided I was going to need a third bag, and started unearthing my old gym bag from its hiding place in the coat closet
• Dumped gluten-free food products into the gym bag. It's mostly cake mixes and granola and stuff.
• Commenced freakout that I had too much stuff
• Remembered that I hadn't finished eating dinner (microwave Thai noodles; I really had it together) because I was freaking out over fighting with my parents
• Freaked out a little more, and found more stuff to pack.
• Around 1 I finally finished eating
• Packed more, showered, and went to bed at like 2:15am
• My alarm went off at 6am. Snoozed.
• 6:05: out of bed (see, I'm getting better!) Packed laptop and charger, phone and charger, and continued squeezing stuff into my suitcase
• 6:20: got dressed and doused my bedhead in the shower
• 6:30 to 7: repacked suitcase so it would actually close; abandoned clothes hangers but not the textbook I want to sell back
• 7 to 7:30: ate breakfast and made powdered-sugar-coffee
• 7:30: OHSHITi'mleavingin15minutes: packed "lunch" and shoved all my other crap into my backpack. Got stuck wearing a hoodie despite 95-degree temperatures.
• 7:45: entered car
• 7:46: returned to house for water bottle
• 7:47: departed Melissa Ct. with Dad driving
• 8:10: arrived at SEPTA station
• 8:10-8:20: uncomfortable conversation with Dad about how it's okay to tell them about problems I'm having, too, and general attempts at reassuring me/encouraging me not to fuck up further
• 8:20: Andrea and her 4 bags board the train
• 8:22: realized that hoodie clashes with shorts.
• 8:25: the 8:22 train departs Doylestown
• On the train I finished compiling a list of Europe expenses so Steph and I can properly split the costs. Then I looked at my pictures and tried to write.  Made a little progress. Texted.
• 9:40: arrived at Market East train station in Philly with 4 bags. Successfully remembered to get the duffel off the luggage shelf.
• 9:50: found Greyhound station, 1/3 block from the SEPTA station. Discovered that yes, it is also really hot in Philly.
• 9:50-10:03: stood in line to pick up will-call tickets.
• 10:05-10:50: Sat on my suitcase, surrounded by other bags, in very dignified fashion. Watched people in the Philly Greyhound station: overwhelmingly unwashed.
• 10:50: friendly gay man with Spanish accent demonstrates how nice it is to be tall and friendly: he asked me where I was going and reported that the bus to Wilkes-Barre/Scranton was in fact boarding.
• 10:51: ran down the platform to the bus
• 10:55: got called a lady, as in "son, move out of the way so this lady can board"
• 11:00-2:00: sat on bus. Napped, wrote my thesis, facebooked, bummed around.
• 2pm: deposited with bags in Scranton bus station, which is sadly becoming a familiar locale.
• 2pm-3:20pm: wrote, stared into space, charged laptop, drank overpriced  starbucks coffee drink from vending machine
• 3:20pm: "hmm, I wonder if the bus is here"
• 3:23pm: boarding announcement. hauled crap to bus and got on.
• 4:15: bus stops at McDonalds in the middle of nowhere. Resisted urge to buy french fries.
• 6:35: bus finally arrives  in Syracuse. Fight down carsickness, walk around building, and see a very pretty girl--who waves and walks in my direction. Success.
• Arrive in Rochester, at some point
• Made coconut-ginger-mystery vegetable rice
• Went to a wine-racking party at my roommate's boyfriend's apartment and met cool people (oh, and got lost on RIT's campus)
• Drank wine
• Slept in my own bed with my girlfriend!

Day 11- iPod randoms

I hate shuffle, but here we go.

1. Slow Pony Home-  The Weepies (skipped- sooooo not in the mood. I'm going back to Rochester and I'm hyper)
2. I'm Gonna Find Another You- John Mayer (ew. sucks and reminds me of a miserable breakup. skipped)
3. Come So Far- Hairspray soundrack (catchy! I downloaded the whole thing from a friend my freshman year and never listened to it. but....skipping. corny)
4. Homebird- Foy Vance, Grey's Anatomy soundtrack (I would probably like this song if I listened to the whole thing. it's calming. I haven't heard it in years!)
5. Rain City- Turin Brakes (from one of Steph's road trip mixes, I think. it's a little too rhymey for the moment, but I'd fall asleep to it)
6. An early chapter of an audiobook I downloaded from the library. It's probably junk lit and it's called Deep Dish. (next!)
7. End of the Beginning- the Rembrandts (ickkkk. i bought the album on a whim because they sing the FRIENDS theme song)
8. Don't Stop- Fleetwood Mac (finally something I like!)
9. The Handshake- MGMT (listened to this one too)
10. Heal Me- Melissa Etheridge (hahahahaha ughhhh)

Back to my regularly scheduled pop/Tegan and Sara marathon.

Day 10- First love and first kiss

I was eighteen when I had my first kiss, with a girl who categorically only dates really butch lesbians. This is what I looked like that summer.















I don't know why I'm making that face, but...all of her girlfriends are the type with inch-long hair and baseball caps and baggy jeans. Needless to say, we went on three dates and gave that up real fast. Later I found out that in the stories she told other people, our first-date peck on her driveway when I dropped her off became that we "hooked up," and our interactions for the rest of that summer became "that I got attached." It also turned out that she's absolutely batshit. But my first kiss was sweet. We walked around town and went to a diner. She took me to Walgreens and gave me a corny plush flower, and we sidewalk-chalked in the middle of the night. I dropped her off at her house and it was just a peck on the lips, but I was a kid and it was a huge deal at the time.

Love. I mean, there's teenage love, where you don't have to be in an actual relationship with them, but there's still that attachment, and then there's give-and-take, honest-with-each-other grown-up love. There's more to that last one than that, but honestly, I don't have the words. That first kind, I've had. My first one was a girl from a town about 40 minutes from my parents' house. We were "involved," on and off, from the summer before my sophomore year through my posts about needing a big sister this past winter. There were big gaps and other relationships, but it was this tortured long-distance mutual pining, texting-all-the-time mess. We had a couple of fights and there were a couple of times that we almost got together, but it was mostly a cycle of longing, brokenheartedness, and hope. I never really told her how I felt, though, that at some points there were a lot of good things between us. I never opened up about it at a good time, and at some point I figured out that that's where I went wrong. But I guess I learned to do that-- to be honest and to go for things.

Sometimes I feel like I have a handle on the real love thing, knowing what it means. I think I get it a little better now. It doesn't mean forever and it doesn't mean things are perfect but it means...something big.

Day 8- A moment you felt most satisfied with your life

July 11, 2011. I was sitting in a restaurant, literally under the Duomo, which is this fabulously pretty church in Florence, Italy, eating delicious authentic Italian gluten-free pizza. I realized that Steph and I managed to save up for this trip and find pizza I could eat, and that I had a wonderful girlfriend to miss and a job I felt good about to come back to.

Day 7- Your zodiac sign and whether it fits your personality

I don't have much interest in this stuff, but I can do google and I can do introspection, so here goes.


Aquarius Strength Keywords:
- Witty
- Clever
- Humanitarian
- Inventive
- Original

Aquarius Weakness Keywords:

- Stubborn
- Unemotional
- Sarcastic
- Rebellious
- Aloof


Humanitarian and original, I'll take. Clever and original, sure, I guess. As for witty? Ehh. I'm definitely rebellious and a little bit stubborn about some things. But I'm very emotional and generally the opposite of aloof. I'm about as sarcastic as the average person, I guess, unless I'm around my wifey. So, fail.

mammal-shaped holes in my heart

I don't want to be here. Every cell in my body is itching, screaming at me to run out, to get away, while I still have a little dignity and self-respect.

Melodramatic, sure. But honestly, out of the time spent in this house, 50% involves missing my dog to the point of distraction, 30% involves arguing with various family members, and 10% involves missing my friends and doing not much else.

Regarding said puppy: the emptiness is literally visible--no furry friend on my floor, no matter how many rooms I search--and metaphorically crushing.

My parents seem to be out to erode my hard-won self-respect, and my sister's, too.

This is the crushing-loneliness stage. It'll pass.