It's bad timing for me to go into hibernate mode, but I'm feeling a lot of tension and pressure. I talked to someone at UCC a lot about telling the difference between my (inner) voice and the "voices" of people in my life. They all tend to argue. A lot.

I think it's a big part of why my parents stress me out so much. If they're already in my head and then they start saying the same things, it's like shouting. So yeah, this week there's a lot of shouting in my head, and it's hard to concentrate.

I'll be back.

Edit: this makes me sound like I'm hearing voices. I'm not, i promise.

so much

The past few days have been at once really uneventful (in terms of things I've physically done or seen) and totally crazy (emotionally, as per usual).

Earlier I had the intense urge to listen to Wonderwall (trite, yes, but also true):
And all the roads that lead to you are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how 


I want to take you ice skating and hold your hand.


Until I have some privacy I won't be able to write much, unfortunately. But my brain is ON.

Dear Dad,

I know that this is right. I know that I didn't feel much of anything at all until I "should have" had my life planned out in some reasonable capacity, and now I am playing catch-up in comparison to where you were at 21. But this is my life and these are my next five years (and fifty years) in which to believe in myself and in what I'm doing.

I know for sure that I'm not ready to give up my energy and time and passion to a bunch of old guys making money off of someone else. Maybe I'll throw myself into the corporate world someday, but for now I am quite content working against oppression and not for it.

Who wants to hire me!?

cat-dinosaurs

I had been running around looking to feel something, looking for the moments in life that spark with energy and promise. When I read that today I felt like I had reached one of those moments.  it was a moment on a journey, for sure, but it was one of the better ones.

I have never had this happen to me before. this mutual feelings and mutual excitement thing. really.

This distance thing is killing me, and I feel...pressure...certainly, but mostly I'm feeling like a spinning little girl in a bright dress on a sunny day and everything is free.

I believe in myself.

writer's block

i'm really trying to write a poem (and create a mix CD and read tumblr and drink chai and talk to steph)

but:
I was grinning like a fool more because of your presence than the cider.

extreme frustration

Dear Adviser #1,

Please stop making my life unnecessarily difficult. I do not want to wake up every day to harassing emails from you full of "extra work" you thought up or "special rules" you pull out of your ass. Also, please answer my emails in which I ask you questions--I know you open your Outlook Express because I receive harassing emails FROM you. Stop creepily finding me in random places on campus to ask me questions. We have scheduled meetings, email, and telephones for a reason.

Much love,
Polanski