this is supposed to be about the future

I hope these long hours in front of notebooks and diagrams are worth the loss of sunlight and sleep and conversation. I wonder what exactly they are preparing me for. I hope I'm studying the right things, not just the right things for the two exams that are probably going to floor me on Tuesday, but the right things that fit what I want to do with the next couple of years.

I hope I ace these exams. I think I'm working smarter this semester, or at least more during the day and less methodically. Maybe it'll pay off.

The speed of RNA folding keeps getting interrupted by insistent questions about my definition of success. I don't want to be bored, but I don't want to be constantly battered by changes that are out of my control. This, they tell us, is why you have to Further Your Education. You should get a Challenging Job with Room for Advancement. never mind the glass ceiling (that might put a stop to all my Advancement), until you and your pantsuit and pumps are standing around wondering why. I don't want to wonder as much as I do now, I guess. I'm exhausted from not knowing. Not knowing if they like me back, not knowing if I'll pass my exams, not knowing where I'll work next year, not knowing what classes to take, not knowing how I'm going to get to a place that sells shampoo and bread.

places I could go

Rochester

Philadelphia (but sure as hell not Pipersville/my parents' house)

DC

Boston

San Francisco

Baltimore?

not Chicago...too far from the ocean.

back to spaghetti

can't is safer than could.

never is safer than maybe.

no is safer than yes.

am i ready to be dangerous?

I can't do this.