Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Distance
I feel like the 20 years of support I got from my parents were a lie. I feel like it was conditional, like it was dependent on my status as a science overachiever. and now that I've walked away willingly, become someone they didn't ask for, they don't really give a shit anymore.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Day 17- highs and lows of the year
2011 isn't over yet, so that's cheating. (so is skipping days, but whatever)
In 2010 I was a junior and then a senior in college. I was 20. I went on dates. I was in a shitty relationship and I had a good job. I had wonderful friends. I was in the Vagina Monologues.
One of my highs is that I solidified my social and political beliefs (as they are now). I met people like me and emulated them, but I also learned from some new friends with different experiences. I became a lot more independent, partially because I was sure of myself and my beliefs. I learned my way around Rochester. I got my first piercing.
Lows: the week I spent in Rochester that summer: expensive and traumatic. New Years' eve was boring and emblematic of why I hate my hometown. I was worried about what to do with life; what direction to take. My confidence meant arguing even more with my parents.
In 2010 I was a junior and then a senior in college. I was 20. I went on dates. I was in a shitty relationship and I had a good job. I had wonderful friends. I was in the Vagina Monologues.
One of my highs is that I solidified my social and political beliefs (as they are now). I met people like me and emulated them, but I also learned from some new friends with different experiences. I became a lot more independent, partially because I was sure of myself and my beliefs. I learned my way around Rochester. I got my first piercing.
Lows: the week I spent in Rochester that summer: expensive and traumatic. New Years' eve was boring and emblematic of why I hate my hometown. I was worried about what to do with life; what direction to take. My confidence meant arguing even more with my parents.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
sure, i'm writing my paper
I'm just in awe. When I look at you smiling over your latest heavenly creation I can see the girl in your pictures, smiling and apprehensive and young, and I can see your eyes lighting up when you're looking at a cookbook, analyzing it for content and design.
make my skin crawl
A conversation I had today about family expectations got me thinking. Some amount of time after I came out to my dad, I remember sitting with him in my family room, across from each other in the two armchairs. We had been talking about grad school or my major or something, and he said something I'll never forget. "I don't care who you marry, or whatever, just as long as you can take care of yourself, be self-sufficient."
This was maybe my junior year of college, and I remember being so relieved that he was expressing support for this being-gay business that I didn't even contemplate anything else. But I guess it sums up his point of view--the main goal is to be self-sufficient. To be able to take care of myself. I like that he expected his daughters to do this, and I like that he was straightforward with me about his beliefs.
At the same time, though, I wish there were a little less pressure. In his family especially, success is measured in dollar signs and digits. It's measured in job security and ability to network and the freedom to take time off for "the things you really love." My aunt recently asked me what my "earning potential" would be by next August. I couldn't find the words to explain to her that I'm more concerned with things besides that number.
I'm coming from a position of privilege: my parents are married and my dad has had (officey) work consistently since he graduated from college. My mom's job paid for pool memberships and summer camp and new clothes and all the things that I took for granted as a kid. They have good credit and they sent us to college, mostly due to financial responsibility and saving.
But is that really it? Is a house in the suburbs with bed frames for the kids I'm not planning to have really all I should be shooting for? I wasn't any happier back when somebody bought me American Eagle t-shirts every couple of months. More presents under the Christmas tree didn't keep my mom and me from arguing, and they didn't keep her from arguing with my grandmother either. My dog was a fancy purebred, but we didn't love him because we could trace his ancestry back through decades of champions--we loved him because he was glad to see us when we came home.
This was maybe my junior year of college, and I remember being so relieved that he was expressing support for this being-gay business that I didn't even contemplate anything else. But I guess it sums up his point of view--the main goal is to be self-sufficient. To be able to take care of myself. I like that he expected his daughters to do this, and I like that he was straightforward with me about his beliefs.
At the same time, though, I wish there were a little less pressure. In his family especially, success is measured in dollar signs and digits. It's measured in job security and ability to network and the freedom to take time off for "the things you really love." My aunt recently asked me what my "earning potential" would be by next August. I couldn't find the words to explain to her that I'm more concerned with things besides that number.
I'm coming from a position of privilege: my parents are married and my dad has had (officey) work consistently since he graduated from college. My mom's job paid for pool memberships and summer camp and new clothes and all the things that I took for granted as a kid. They have good credit and they sent us to college, mostly due to financial responsibility and saving.
But is that really it? Is a house in the suburbs with bed frames for the kids I'm not planning to have really all I should be shooting for? I wasn't any happier back when somebody bought me American Eagle t-shirts every couple of months. More presents under the Christmas tree didn't keep my mom and me from arguing, and they didn't keep her from arguing with my grandmother either. My dog was a fancy purebred, but we didn't love him because we could trace his ancestry back through decades of champions--we loved him because he was glad to see us when we came home.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
arrogance
Mr. Employee and Mr. Team Leader, you just talked about why you kicked out some guy who was trying to use the wireless internet. "Everyone should have to work retail and a factory job at some point," you said. "Campers, they come in here and don't buy anything and use the internet all day. It's insulting."
Yeah, well, if you're working for minimum wage, sometimes you can't afford Time Warner, and sometimes you can't afford overpriced salads and espresso, either. Minus bandwidth problems, the internet is not exactly a nonrenewable resource. I can see five empty tables on this side of the building, so it's not like us campers are taking up someone else's space. So let it go.
Yeah, well, if you're working for minimum wage, sometimes you can't afford Time Warner, and sometimes you can't afford overpriced salads and espresso, either. Minus bandwidth problems, the internet is not exactly a nonrenewable resource. I can see five empty tables on this side of the building, so it's not like us campers are taking up someone else's space. So let it go.
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